Vulnerable: June 12, 2022

In the process of a stem cell transplant, there is a period of time when the myeloablative chemo has completed its job, which is to ablate the bone marrow, and yet the new stem cells have not quite started to produce new and healthy blood cells to support the body. It's a vulnerable period of time when a person is entirely dependent on supportive care. This is me on Day +3.

To protect me from infection while I have no white blood cells, I receive anti-virus medications, antibiotics, and anti-fungals. For my plummeting blood counts, I have received both platelet and red blood cell transfusions today, both thankfully uneventful. After the red cell transfusion, I actually felt well enough to sit up, and then to shower (thank goodness for shower benches, grab bars, and for my mom, who was there to help me).

I am right now in a great state of vulnerability. There is no forcing one's will against it; the only thing to do is to release into it. To graciously accept transfusions, medications, help, supportive care, everything. The absolute giving over is strangely freeing. I know I will better learn and understand this lesson in the weeks and months to come. For now it's just, simply, letting go. There is beauty here.