On Vulnerability: February 13, 2022

I feel like I’ve spent the last two months trying to build back my physical and emotional health, brick by brick. Too busy with plasmapheresis, with physiotherapy, with doctors’ appointments to really take time to reflect. I’m grateful to be doing what I do best: pursuing a goal (rehab, transplant). It suits me so well. I feel productive, more purposeful, I sleep better and even eat better. And then, it takes nothing for me fall apart. I feel so fragile.

Dr. Cohen advises me that I’ll be presented a week later than anticipated to the transplant board, and I am anxious. Anxious that the answer will be no. Anxious about another week of uncertainty. Anxious that now I will be distracting myself through this week instead of living it as fully as I can. Why is such a little thing so difficult for me? Won’t there be so many, many other pieces out of my control coming up? My ability to cope seems so fragile.

I am trying to be kinder to myself, to recognize that vulnerability is not the same as weakness. Trying to recognize that the weight of what I carry every day is heavy, and to recognize the strength in carrying this load, rather than focus on the straws that cause me to fall. Trying to believe that it’s okay to break down sometimes, because the resilience is in getting back up and putting myself back together. I am trying. But it’s hard.