If Your Will Is Strong Enough: Pursuing a Stem Cell Transplant

I’ve always believed that my strength and determination played a role in my recovery from each relapse. That not only did in help me live with the uncertainty of MS, but it actually helped move me toward remission each time. My mind knows that MS is a neurodegenerative disease, and that it really only goes one way, no matter how many hours I spent doing Pilates or strength training. But my heart always believed that being tough and working hard would somehow protect me.

Ardra Shephard articulates this so beautifully in her blog Tripping on Air:

“MS was something I had (a disease). It wasn’t something I was (disabled)…For whatever reason, denial seems to be particularly encouraged in people with MS. From the moment we’re diagnosed, we’re told not to let this disease define us. In response, we vow to never let MS change us. We tell ourselves, “I have MS but MS doesn’t have me”. We somehow think if our will is strong enough, we can simply decide not to become disabled.

Read Ardra's Post

That is me. If my previous remissions happened because I was strong, then now I am weak. If my previous remissions were because I worked hard, then now I have failed to do enough. My brain knows this isn’t true, that any control of MS is an illusion. I cannot, as Ardra writes, simply decide not to become disabled. But my heart still feels that my will is lacking: that I have failed because the disease has progressed.

So when the opportunity arises to pursue stem cell transplant, it’s not only about this unique, time-limited opportunity to potentially stop the progress of MS entirely. I mean, it’s definitely, absolutely about that. But it’s also about being able to exert my will again. And this time, my efforts may actually make a difference.