Ascent: April 28, 2022

If every day before today has been about preparation, today begins the first step of the ascent toward transplant with the insertion of a central line (a Trifusion catheter, to be exact). The line begins outside my upper left chest and then tunnels shallowly under my skin, moving above my clavicle. It then dips back downward and inward to ultimately penetrate a major vein in my chest, and tracks along inside of it until the tip of the line comes to rest in the right side of my heart. I know the somewhat graphic description may incite queasiness, but it’s also a bit of a metaphor for how I feel: like there is a direct connection between the outside world and my heart.

I am a very private person, and choosing to make this journey public has been a difficult one. I have never kept my MS a secret, having done some fundraising and a small amount of press for the MS Society of Canada’s MuckMS events in 2015 and 2016; and my family, friends and colleagues at work have always known. But this is different, this sharing of some of my most intimate feelings, hopes and fears, laying it out there for anyone to read, to judge. These are things I’ve barely shared before with the people closest to me, and to document it all now feels like exposing my soul to the universe. Ultimately, I have to have faith in its kindness.

Perhaps to practice Tikkum Olam - the act of repairing the world that is so central to the Jewish faith - is to start by opening up my own heart.

** My interview and videos from MuckMS can be found under the Links section of this blog.